I was rocking Asher one afternoon and I could hear the radio playing softly in the background. We have KLOVE radio playing in our house pretty much 24/7. “Flawless” by Mercy Me was playing. I was overcome with memories and emotion.
You see, this was one of those songs that held a special place for me when Asher was born. There were many 3:00AM nursings when I would hear this song playing in the background and tears would fall because I hoped (and still do) that Asher would know what it means to be “flawless” in Christ. I want him to know and experience God’s love.
I’m sure tears were also falling because I was exhausted, full of hormones, and overwhelmed with how hard it was and how could I love this sweet little guy so much?!?
It’s like we have this bond of going through those newborn stages together. I didn’t know what I was doing. Asher didn’t know what was going on. We were surviving together. I look at him now and get a little freaked out when I start thinking about him walking and talking back to me. Eeeek. But for the first time since having Asher, I got it. That ridiculous feeling I’ve heard parents mention. I don’t think all parents experience this and I don’t think it matters if you do or not, but I felt it. That twinge. The craziest feeling of “hmmm, I think I could survive more late/middle of the nights.” Or “I can handle all the crying and not knowing what’s wrong.” The list could go on.
Of course there is a great difference in the feeling of what it would be like to bring home another baby. As a second-time parent, generally, you do know a lot more of what’s going on. Even if it can be hard, there is a special boost of confidence just really knowing and understanding it, unlike the first time. If you’d asked me two months ago about having another one, I would’ve laughed and said something like “Are you crazy?”.
Then I start thinking about having two kids grown up, running around our home and it does make for a sweet, anxious, crazy feeling. So much unknown. It’s amazing how we do this. Give birth. Parent. Raise a family.
I just read a post about how hard parenting can be, but then how rewarding it is and what a privilege it is to be able to raise your children. In the comments, someone said that having a family was crazy and all she ever heard was the parents complaining about no money, no time, no privacy. She asked, “Why would I want to do that to myself? I like my time. I like having my money. I like being able to do whatever I want.” I thought about that and you know, there’s nothing wrong with those things being important to her and high on her priority list. But that doesn’t mean parents who struggle with these things are living in some kind of despair.
Happiness is a choice and I choose to have a child, and God-willing, will most likely have another one, BUT there is an inexplicable joy that you can’t produce on your own, on demand, that comes from your child’s sweet little face laughing at you singing “I’m a Little Teapot” for the thousandth time, when you could be out doing “whatever you want.”
So, when I’m singing to Asher while changing his major gross diaper, and he’s laughing, and I hear “Flawless” in the background, I get that feeling. A reassurance that I could definitely do this again. Afterall, who doesn’t like the song “I’m a Little Teapot.”