Confusion. That’s what I feel right now. Like God is trying to reveal himself to me in a new way and I’m walking in a room with my eyes plastered shut, feeling for Him. I hear Him whisper, saying things I don’t know if I’m ready to hear. Maybe I just don’t want to hear? Trying to reconcile God’s grace and free will of the soul. I suppose it’s not really about reconciling it. I think He’s guiding me to a resting place in the midst of the blindness. People say this kind of talk is crazy. A crutch. Unbelievable. Philosophical. Maybe even mystical. Just plain stupid. But I know. I know. I’m nervous about getting there. About what I’ll find. Is it possible to believe that God will do something, yet deep down, you know it comes to a choice and faith?
Scripture. What does it say about my rummaging through this dusty room of my memories, fears, regrets, and worries? Feeling blinded, hearing God, but still waiting. Waiting for the fire to pass, that feels like a continuous flame burning away the peace and restoration I so long for? Ecclesiastes 3:1 “There is a season for everything and a time for every purpose.” To believe this means I believe that God has time in His hands, and I’m trusting in that. The courage, fear, and relief it takes to truly believe that has been something beyond my comprehension, yet I know.
That has been my challenge. It is one thing to say I trust God no matter what. But to really live that and believe that whole-heartedly through the test of time is a whole other story. How does this truth become a foundation in one’s life? Through time. I am gaining a new gratitude for time. Time is a gift. It’s fleeting. Revealing. Provoking. Challenging. My sister and I say to each other at times, “This too shall pass.” Time passes, and what is it that I’m taking away from what God is showing me through it? Trust. Faith. Perseverance. Most of all–peace. I think the flames of trials and tribulations are dying down a bit. Yes, my eyes are beginning to see through the film. Not see what is ahead of me, but Him–leading me. Every day, reminding me to trust Him and His timing. Focus on the present. I will not let go.